A How-To Guide for Men To Be Emotional
What’s wrong with expressing my emotions as a man?
--
Men are simple creatures. Say something funny to them, and they’ll laugh. Show them something sad, and they’ll pretend not to feel anything at all.
You see, we can’t display emotions freely.
Have you ever noticed how bestselling love stories and romance novels are often written by women?
Fifty Shades of Grey. The Twilight Saga. Eat, Pray, Love.
Sure, you might argue that there are authors out there like Nicholas Sparks who have mastered the art of storytelling.
However, wouldn’t you also agree that the plots of Nicholas Sparks’ novels tend to be repetitive in nature?
Have you ever noticed how the bestselling books written by men are often of an emotionless nature, such Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Rolf Dobelli’s The Art of Thinking Clearly?
All these books are excellent reads, but they seem to scream stoicism louder than the flashy orange cover of Manson’s book beckoning you to walk across the bookstore to pick it up.
It’s hard for men to convey their emotions, and that sucks.
As I grew older, it’s become more apparent to me how men are taught to bury their emotions under the guise of “being a man”.
Feel like crying because you’re stressed? Be a man, suck it up.
Think you’re experiencing depressive symptoms ? Be a man, suck it up. The feelings will fade soon.
Working overtime today? Be a man, suck it up and quell those whiny complaints. We all have work to do.
This realisation dawned on me at the beginning of this year when I enlisted into the Commando formation of the military. Right from Day One of basic training, the commanders would yell at you and stamp on the very foundations your precious little entitled soul, crumbling every semblance of your sanity with the aim of rebuilding a new one with camaraderie, teamwork and loyalty to country weaved into the fabric of your character as training progresses.
It’s tough love that they dole out to you so you can become a better man. A man that is loyal to his country and the military. A man who places national pride on par with his family and loved ones, who in return provide him the motivation to continue to sacrifice his time for the nation. A man who remains stoic through every situation and circumstance, ready to take them on with an uncanny sense of calm.
You see, my commanders were training each and every one of us to become a full-fledged, fighting Commando.
Don’t get me wrong, that endeavour is admirable.
Amidst the process, we’re taught to disconnect with our selves. We learn to disconnect from the limitations of the body, and focus on the untapped possibilities and potentials of the mind.
Doesn’t this sound noble?
Unfortunately, more often than not, we also disconnect so much from our emotions that so many of us have lost the ability to feel, or express our feelings in comfort.
Have you ever seen a soldier cry?
What impression would you form of a crying soldier?
We’re taught to disconnect so much from our emotions that so many of us have lost the ability to feel.
Of course, this doesn’t only exist in the military, but I can say from first-hand experience that this mentality is definitely more prevalent here.
Like an ancient language that slowly and unknowingly fades into the ashes of time because fewer and fewer people speak it, the art of expressing one’s emotions freely is becoming a vanishing chapter in a man’s handbook of the new generation of men.
Men are taught by society to conceal their real emotions, to the extent that many are unable to express them properly, freely and comfortably anymore.
So, given this understanding, as a man, what could you do?
- Journal
During my Commando training, as hellish as the day might be, our commanders would ALWAYS devote at least half an hour at the end of the day for us to write in our own journals that have been issued to us at the start of the course. In this journal, which would be read by them, they demanded that we write a reflection on the day’s activities, our attitudes towards any problems that surfaced during the day, and how we managed to overcome these issues.
You see, since the journal is a relatively private book only read by us and our commanders, us trainees often used it as a platform to vent and express our emotions, and lament how tough and hellish training might be that day, and how it made us feel. Expressing our emotions on a physical document soon became an exercise of written catharsis that not only allowed us to get in touch with our feelings, but taught us how to manage them in an appropriate, healthy manner.
I know that a lot of my answers on Quora mention the journaling as a habit to cultivate, and I’ve become an advocate of regular journaling thanks to this habit inculcated into us by my commanders in the military.
2. Establish a proper, reliable network of peers to share your emotions with
If writing is not your style, you might prefer to simply vent your emotions aloud. Ensure that you find people in your network who you can trust (and are willing to listen) before venting to them. Of course, when they are in need of a partner to express their emotions towards, also do be present for them as a trusted listening ear that they are comfortable to be emotional with.
3. Realise that vulnerability is the cornerstone of strength
Do you know the top reason behind men failing to express their emotions freely? Fear of vulnerability. You see, men like myself are proud creatures, and ego is the substance running through our veins, giving us life. When someone damages our ego, we figuratively die. That’s why so many men seem to be so emotionless — it’s the traditional way of demonstrating an alpha personality that is untouchable by the plague of vulnerability and weakness.
However, what I’d like to tell you, my man, is the contrarian truth. The very vulnerability you and I fear is actually the cornerstone of strength and alpha-ness in men. You see, when we acknowledge what we truly feel and are honest about our emotions, we learn to manage ourselves accordingly. Being a man is all about being in control. The greatest men who we admire in movies and strive to emulate in real life are all masters of control — of their own lives, of their circle around them, and of their influence on others.
Sure, the challenge of expressing our feelings openly and honestly is ever-present in society — today’s society especially — and is one of the things that suck about being a man. However, a true man — one filled with courage, optimism and resilience — learns to overcome this obstacle, and is the master of his soul.
This article was originally from my Quora.
